Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Oh, No, Not Again!

Time for another excruciating week of American Idol. This time, I am doing this without my wife present. I usually like someone to bounce ideas before I type. When she can't stop laughing, I know it is good. Without further ado...

Anoop: Yawn. Slumdog Millionaire came out on Blue Ray and DVD. That is something good to watch. Paula is draining the life out of me. I may go back to working on payroll instead of watching this show. I'm already bored.

Megan: I wanna give you some good lovin'. I wanna keep the light on, though. I need the lights turned on when I break out the video camera. Paula is crazy. Does Paula have an adam's apple? Another boring song. Don't go, Megan. Don't go!

Danny: I hate the fundamentalist, but he is good. But a standing ovation? A long pause for applause? He's no Pavarotti. What's with the woman in the pink standing behind the "Go Go Gokey" sign? Looks like a drag queen hooker, or is that a hooker drag queen... What would be the proper way of writing that out?

Allison: "Don't speak" if you are caught in a back seat of a car with her... she's only 16. She's dressed like a Japanese Anime chick on crack. She shouted a bit. She's got originality. God! This shit is so boring. How can people religiously follow this show?

Scott: Somebody put some sunglasses on him! Looks like they tamed down his fro a little. Why does he keep looking up while he sings? Can't he see there is nothing up there? Another lame-ass song sung by a lame-ass singer. Somebody needs to show his poor-sighted sister the refrigerator; the only thing that is 'thick' on her is her glasses. Paula, one week, says he should get away from the piano. Now she says that playing the piano without the band was a great idea. What is she, bi-polar? No need to answer that one.

Matt: That third eye in the middle of his forehead is still staring at me. Make it go away. I haven't head such good keyboard work since Miami Vice Theme Song. Keyboard, 80's leather jacket, poor skin care... he should have played a Michael Jackson song. Did Paula say the word "aborted"? I'm surprised that wasn't bleeped out on FOX.

Lil: "I surrender" to that badonkadonk. All hail THAT badonkadonk. Who has more muscular arms, Lil or Michele Obama? She did better this week. She is screaming less. Seacrest, get out of the camera shot. Who do you think you are, John McCain. Randy, quit grabbing that little girl's ass!

Adam: One word: DIVA. Will gay-America keep him in the competition another week? I hate to say this, but I'd rather listen to Twice As Nice sing this song. Mick Jagger, Steven Tyler, and Adam Lambert? WTF, Paula? OMG. She is MIA. She must be FUBAR'ed.

Kris: Never trust a man with two first names as a first and last name. "I know, I know, I know" he will be gone soon enough. Show more shots of his beard, I mean, wife. Another bar song.

I don't know what to say about this group. They are all too lame to even be exciting to watch. I wasted 90 minutes watching this show again. I will never get these 90 minutes back. I could have gave my cat an enema 45 times, and I would have enjoyed that more that this show. And I would have less scars, also.

Who will win: Danny

Who I want to win: Allison

Who will go: Matt
i think this kid

should take up this past time

i never knew hee-haw was so strange. red, is this on the season i got you?

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Ain't No Drug To Make Me High Enough...

to make me think this show is good and the singers are actually talented. I've heard better talent on "Gimme The Mike, Columbus"...I never watched that bad show, but I'm sure there was somebody just as good as these folks.

This is why I decided to get another American Idol review going on. I was going to do one last week, but I was busy. I downloaded the show to review and to write one later in the week, but that just sounded too faggy for me.

This week, and if I remember to for the remaining run of this season, I will be doing a "live" post. After every song is sung by these hacks, I will post my comment on the song. So all can follow along with my view of the show.

Here is my review of the American Idol TOP 10...

1. Matt Giraud: I prefer when he sits to the left of the piano. I thought I was watching the 'inverse of suck' for a moment... then I heard him sing. He's dressed like he just left his day job as IT support at Google. Can that bump in the middle of his forehead get any larger? He's no Justin Timberlake... he hasn't even f%cked a crazy Mickey Mouse Club Alumnus, yet.

2. Kris Allen: Somebody tell him that he is only a bar singer... on a non-holiday weekend... in the valley. "How sweet it is to" have a mute button on my remote control. We need Randy Jackson to thug-it-out and grab that guitar and beat him over the head. That sound might be better than listening to him sing. What's with the numbers printed on the the shoulders of his shirt? Was he in prison? If he was, he took it up the ass A LOT. He probably sucked the biggest guy as soon as he entered the prison courtyard.

3. Scott MacIntyre: "But momma said, 'if you grow up tall, you just have to keep your head down, you may walk into something!'" He was horrible. Just as horrible as his pants. They looked a little 'tight'. Did he see that in the mirro... oh. Why is Randy Jackson dressed like a 1990 female high school teacher? Bye Bye Scott.

4. Megan Joy: Looks like Smokey got a stiffey. And so did I. Just dress like that and she'll go far and deeply penetrate the show. Don't worry, Megan, I got nothing but love for you. 10 seconds of love, but love. Scott stays, Megan goes. Damn!

Side Note: What is with all the damn commercials. I am losing my mojo. Now I know how a Super Bowl player feels, waiting through the commercial breaks and long halftime show.

5. Anoop Desai: He looks like he left his day job as IT Support... for Microsoft. We need the "Soul Patrol" back! Remember the "Soul Patrol"? What the fu$k were we thinking about back then? I mean, come on! All in all, Anoop is good. Is American Idol televised in India? Does Indian government, instead of commercials, inject long song and dance numbers with Bollywood actors in between performances? If so, Anoop has a 3 billion vote head start.

6. Michael Sarver: Why don't you 'take it to church' and swindle unsuspecting folks out of hard-earned money over the false premise that it will get you to an imaginary fairyland. Then I wouldn't have to see you on Fox... Only on FOX NEWS. He's the guy who goes to karaoke night at the local hotel bar in his best clothes to sing it up for 40-something women staying at the hotel. Sad, just SAD. Megan may be safe. Thank GOD!

7. Lil Rounds: FINALLY! A BLACK WOMAN SINGIN! Who looks less like a woman in the face?... Lil or Smokey? That's the soul I've been waiting for. Oh, wait! She sucks like the rest of them. I mistook screaming for soul. Kinda like a Southern Baptist... the more they scream, the more soul they have, the more closer to God they are. I think I am going to download some Tina. Then I can hear some talent for the evening. What is with Paula's ring? How much cocaine does she need to do between songs?

8. Adam Lambert: Twilight came out on DVD this week. There are a lot of wet 13 year-old girls out there ready, and willing, to vote for a vamp. What does he do? GO ELVIS! There isn't enough makeup in the world to fill in the holes in his skin. My earlier prediction may be correct... he may be the winner. Would I buy his CD. F$CK NO! I would change the channel on my Sirius Stiletto 2 if he was on it.

9. Danny Gokey: "Get Ready" for a Christian pop album disguised as 'mainstream'. If he were any safer he would be wearing a whole-body condom. He makes Middle America feel like Bush was in office again: Fun, carefree, no black guy telling me what to do, stem cell research is still outlawed, we are doing God's work in Iraq, evil-doers will be punished, abstinence-only education is the only way to stop the spread of HIV, ...

10. Allison Iraheta: Feel the Funk! I like her. She is original. Originality means you will be eliminated. Cause Middle America needs to feel snug at night, with the same shit that has been pumped into the music market for the past decade+. The same shit that makes them think things are not changing. Don't go to the new restaurant... go to McDonald's or Wendy's or Applebee's... order the same shit.... eat the same shit... don't try anything new... run back to the old shit... like they run back to the old ipod songs, instead of 'going forward' into the unknown...

Who I want to win... Allison Iraheta

Who will win... Danny Gokey

P.S. Barry Gordy is full of shit! I did like The Last Dragon, though. F-in' GREAT film... "Who's the Master?"

Those CRAZY Christians....

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Happy Birthday

Here is this weeks' message from Osama bin Laden. He's survived another anniversary of the Iraq war. Yes, Bush's mission was accomplished.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Weird, Yes. Scary, Yes. But a ...

Dick? I don't know. I've never met one before.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

learning how to kick

Kid Can't Figure Out How To Kick Ball - Watch more Funny Videos

his run-up is either on pause or fast-forward. i couldn't contain an intial laugh watching him try to start running. ah kids!

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Another Reason to Hate Rupert Murdoch

Tonight, American Idol kicked off it's Final 12 with a Final 13. Do we really need one more shitty week of this show? And how fun for it to be "Michael Jackson Week" this week. Here, once again, is my American Idol Finals Review.

1. Lil Rounds:
"You make me feel" like changing the channel. She is as close as there is to a BBW on this year's finals. Where is BBW at this year? We need a BBW!

2. Scott MacIntyre:
Don't fall off the stage! Too bad he'll never see Paula's feathered dress.

3. Danny Gokey:
Jamira-gay. How many pairs of different colored glasses does he own?

4. Michael Sarver:
What the hell are you doing on this show! Your co-workers are making fun of you every night at the local bar where you all go after work.

5. Jasmine Murray:
Looks like her mom bought some new hair for the top 13 performances. Boring.

6. Kris Allen:
He sucks! His Wife's Hot! Why is he playing an acoustic guitar for a Michael Jackson song? That is like playing tambourine during a death metal song, it doesn't look right.

7. Allison Iraheta:
She's only 16? She sounds like a rock veteran who drinks a bottle of whiskey a night. Well, she dresses goth but she is not dark; she doesn't cut herself or anything.

8. Anoop Desai:
Kumar! Is there a part of Hollywood NOT invaded by BOLLYWOOD?! FIrst the Oscars, now American Idol. What's next... Bollywood actors on "Celebrity Rebah with Dr Drew"?

9. Jorge Nuñez:
Carnival Cruise Lines is calling... they want their headline act back.

10. Megan Joy:
I was waiting for Bob Hope to come walking out with a golf club over his shoulder. All she needed was a U.S.O. hat. Can't wait to see the rest of her tattoos in Penthouse in four years.

11. Adam Lambert:
When did Zac Efron turn SUPERgay? You go girl!

12. Matt Giraud:
Why, Why am I still watching this show. Paula's pills are wearing off.

13. Alexis Grace:
Her dad looks like somebody who shouldn't be around kids.

Where is the SUPER-SUPER Gay Sanjaya? Where is the BBW? Where is the weird looking back-up singer with her first shot at the front? Where is the crooning 15 year-old boy?

My prediction for American Idol winner? Adam Lambert


Friday, March 06, 2009

pentecostals creep me out

after seeing this, i REALLY need to find one of those buy-in-bulk warehouse churches where they have like 800,000 parishioners every sunday whooping up like the crazies. i'd want to go just to see, seriously, are they all insane. the redhead next to father "YOU'RE DRUNK!" is insane. i thought she had lockjaw at one point.

Wednesday, March 04, 2009

The Indian Congress Took My Rights!

Oh wait, it wasn't "J Ho". Nevermind.