Thursday, August 14, 2008

J Ho's Favorite Bible Quotes

Since the Bible is the end-all, be-all of knowledge in the world, for ever and eeevvvvveerrrr, AMEN, I decided to start a list of my favorite Bible quotes. My Playboy subscriptions were getting pretty stale so I thought I might "take it up a notch" with some of the most sexual depraved writings this living planet has ever seen. If you've ever heard masturbation referred to as "onanism", well, you've got one guy to thank.

Judah 38:8-10

Then Judah said to Onan, "Unite with your brother's widow, in fulfillment of your duty as brother-in-law, and thus preserve your brother's line."
Onan, however, knew that the descendants would not be counted as his; so whenever he had relations with his brother's widow, he wasted his seed on the ground, to avoid contributing offspring for his brother.
What he did greatly offended the LORD, and the LORD took his life too.

Now there's something a woman never forgets. You're getting busy with your husband's brother, he splooges on the ground, and promptly gets slain by the LORD. Talk about awkward.

This particular verse was taken slightly out-of-context when it gave birth to "onanism," which refers to both coitus interruptus and masturbation. It's probably just as well that he died, and didn't have to walk around the rest of his life listening to people refer to jerking off as "Doing an Onan." I wonder if Onan had a "love sock", or a "love fascia".

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