Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Ain't No Drug To Make Me High Enough...

to make me think this show is good and the singers are actually talented. I've heard better talent on "Gimme The Mike, Columbus"...I never watched that bad show, but I'm sure there was somebody just as good as these folks.

This is why I decided to get another American Idol review going on. I was going to do one last week, but I was busy. I downloaded the show to review and to write one later in the week, but that just sounded too faggy for me.

This week, and if I remember to for the remaining run of this season, I will be doing a "live" post. After every song is sung by these hacks, I will post my comment on the song. So all can follow along with my view of the show.

Here is my review of the American Idol TOP 10...

1. Matt Giraud: I prefer when he sits to the left of the piano. I thought I was watching the 'inverse of suck' for a moment... then I heard him sing. He's dressed like he just left his day job as IT support at Google. Can that bump in the middle of his forehead get any larger? He's no Justin Timberlake... he hasn't even f%cked a crazy Mickey Mouse Club Alumnus, yet.

2. Kris Allen: Somebody tell him that he is only a bar singer... on a non-holiday weekend... in the valley. "How sweet it is to" have a mute button on my remote control. We need Randy Jackson to thug-it-out and grab that guitar and beat him over the head. That sound might be better than listening to him sing. What's with the numbers printed on the the shoulders of his shirt? Was he in prison? If he was, he took it up the ass A LOT. He probably sucked the biggest guy as soon as he entered the prison courtyard.

3. Scott MacIntyre: "But momma said, 'if you grow up tall, you just have to keep your head down, you may walk into something!'" He was horrible. Just as horrible as his pants. They looked a little 'tight'. Did he see that in the mirro... oh. Why is Randy Jackson dressed like a 1990 female high school teacher? Bye Bye Scott.

4. Megan Joy: Looks like Smokey got a stiffey. And so did I. Just dress like that and she'll go far and deeply penetrate the show. Don't worry, Megan, I got nothing but love for you. 10 seconds of love, but love. Scott stays, Megan goes. Damn!

Side Note: What is with all the damn commercials. I am losing my mojo. Now I know how a Super Bowl player feels, waiting through the commercial breaks and long halftime show.

5. Anoop Desai: He looks like he left his day job as IT Support... for Microsoft. We need the "Soul Patrol" back! Remember the "Soul Patrol"? What the fu$k were we thinking about back then? I mean, come on! All in all, Anoop is good. Is American Idol televised in India? Does Indian government, instead of commercials, inject long song and dance numbers with Bollywood actors in between performances? If so, Anoop has a 3 billion vote head start.

6. Michael Sarver: Why don't you 'take it to church' and swindle unsuspecting folks out of hard-earned money over the false premise that it will get you to an imaginary fairyland. Then I wouldn't have to see you on Fox... Only on FOX NEWS. He's the guy who goes to karaoke night at the local hotel bar in his best clothes to sing it up for 40-something women staying at the hotel. Sad, just SAD. Megan may be safe. Thank GOD!

7. Lil Rounds: FINALLY! A BLACK WOMAN SINGIN! Who looks less like a woman in the face?... Lil or Smokey? That's the soul I've been waiting for. Oh, wait! She sucks like the rest of them. I mistook screaming for soul. Kinda like a Southern Baptist... the more they scream, the more soul they have, the more closer to God they are. I think I am going to download some Tina. Then I can hear some talent for the evening. What is with Paula's ring? How much cocaine does she need to do between songs?

8. Adam Lambert: Twilight came out on DVD this week. There are a lot of wet 13 year-old girls out there ready, and willing, to vote for a vamp. What does he do? GO ELVIS! There isn't enough makeup in the world to fill in the holes in his skin. My earlier prediction may be correct... he may be the winner. Would I buy his CD. F$CK NO! I would change the channel on my Sirius Stiletto 2 if he was on it.

9. Danny Gokey: "Get Ready" for a Christian pop album disguised as 'mainstream'. If he were any safer he would be wearing a whole-body condom. He makes Middle America feel like Bush was in office again: Fun, carefree, no black guy telling me what to do, stem cell research is still outlawed, we are doing God's work in Iraq, evil-doers will be punished, abstinence-only education is the only way to stop the spread of HIV, ...

10. Allison Iraheta: Feel the Funk! I like her. She is original. Originality means you will be eliminated. Cause Middle America needs to feel snug at night, with the same shit that has been pumped into the music market for the past decade+. The same shit that makes them think things are not changing. Don't go to the new restaurant... go to McDonald's or Wendy's or Applebee's... order the same shit.... eat the same shit... don't try anything new... run back to the old shit... like they run back to the old ipod songs, instead of 'going forward' into the unknown...

Who I want to win... Allison Iraheta

Who will win... Danny Gokey

P.S. Barry Gordy is full of shit! I did like The Last Dragon, though. F-in' GREAT film... "Who's the Master?"

1 comment:

B Town Chump said...

Danny was my early fave, but I must admit he does have that whole Christian rock persona going on. And it's true... he's so safe, it's getting boring to watch him. ZZZZZZZZZZZZ

I still like Lil, although she sucked it up this round, which should have been a cake-walk. Screaming doesn't equal soul.

Don't know why, but I also like Anoop. He's just above mediocre, but his novelty will soon wear off.

Michael... boring.

Scott, oh Scott. Sorry about your blindness, but it can only carry you so far in a singing competition. He's gotta go. Frankly he sucks, and if he stay around a couple more weeks, it's only because of the sympathy vote.

Megan is out this week. Her performances have been horrendous the last two weeks. The only thing worse than her singing is her awkward "dancing" (and I use that term VERY loosely).

I do like Allison, and not in the same way that Z likes 16 year old girls. I mean, that girl can sing, and bring down the house. Fucking incredible.

Then there's Adam. I never thought I'd see him as my favorite, but he has definitely snuck up on me. He's certainly not the type of artist I could ever like, but his ability to completely change cover songs is amazing. I like him. I hate to admit it, but I do.

To summarize, Megan will be voted out this week (although I hope someone puts Scott out of his misery a.s.a.p.). Danny's still the front-runner with Allison a close second. But watch out for
Adam... could be a dark-horse.