Tuesday, April 07, 2009

The Elite Eight

Milli Vanilli, Madonna, Jessica Simpson, Britney Spears, Ashlee Simpson... say hello to the new team of future no-talents who only get by on a 'look' instead of musical talent. American Idol is back again with another week of excruciating music.

Ever wonder why piracy is as high as it has ever been? Could it be because the people have decided to actually 'pay for what they get'? I have less contempt for anyone who works in the mortgage or financial industry than American Idol, and that is saying A LOT.

Well, let's see what teenage girls will buy in four months... The American Idol Top 8

Oh, the year they were born... this will be fun...

Danny Gokey: What a cop-out... singing a 50 year-old song that was re-done by a guy in 1980. He probably sang this song at every Young Life camp. "Stand by me" when I detonate my bomb, I will take my life to make sure this pompous twat doesn't make a dime. I bet your God didn't see that coming.

Kris Allen: What's wrong with taxi cab drivers? Anoop would take offense to that. That guitar is not plugged into anything. This is a prime example of a no-talent hack who has a look, so he will stay on the show. When a trumpet has to drown out his singing, you know he is bad. All Paula wants to do is 'Dance' between his sheets.

Lil Rounds: What's talent 'got to do with it'? If you wanna sing Tina like Tina, you are going to fail. Like the high-heels. They are hiding the badadonkadonk. That is the best asset on her. Forgettable. I already forgot. Who am I writing about? The black one, yeah. I mean, the one in the black dress. Paula's rambling...that's all I remember.

Anoop: First Kumar commits suicide on House (if I spoiled the plot twist for you, sorry), now Anoop is up for possible elimination on American Idol. I guess FOX is getting rid of all the Middle Easterners, except for terrorists on 24... Are we nearing mid-term elections? Anoop is being political... did he take a job in the Obama Administration? What is with the shirt, Anoop? Those 'true colors' scream, "Jai Ho"! He may survive another week.

Scott: I'm glad he gave up on the whole train conductor thing. But why did he choose singing? His left eye is looking obscenely to the left. Put some glasses on him and sit him at a piano, damn it! He's going to hit his face on the microphone if he doesn't stop hopping around like that. 'The Search is Over', we have our singer who is going home tomorrow.

Allison: Bonnie Raitt, good choice. Is every song she sing involve laying down with someone? How old's she? She 'can't make' America love her, but America should. I will be depressed when she goes.

Matt: Guess the pimple is still there, now he has his hat covering his second forehead. Is that 'part time' Justin Timberlake? Trying to sound like Stevie, but he can't. Must be short on time, the judges breezed through it. Get the show over, Fringe is coming on!

Adam: He loved playing 'dress-up' as a child? No shit! He is dressing up like a male nowadays. 'I find it hard to take' watching this show every week. He is DIVAx2 tonight. All hail Adam! He probably asks for a bowl of green M&Ms and his favorite incense stick be lit before he enters the building.

There were a few performances I didn't want to slit my wrists over this week. Could I be beginning to like some of these singers? Am I looking forward to next weeks songs? Am I rushing to my computer to downloads these songs to put on my Sirius Stilleto 2? NO

Who will win? Adam

Who should win? Allison

Who will go? Scott


B Town Chump said...

I must say, for someone who holds so much contempt for this "team of future no-talents," J Ho does commit to watching the show and commenting every week. Not that I find anything wrong with hating American Idol and everything it stands for, because I too DON'T want to like it. However, I find myself drawn into this show every week and anticipate hearing each performance. I hate to admit that I like American Idol, but alas... I do. (sigh)

Danny was my early favorite. There's not doubting his singing ability. But I'm so bored with him anymore. He's just too damn safe that its getting tedious to listen to him anymore. "Stand by me, blah blah blah..." Snooze. Danny's good, knows he's good, and is just phoning it in at this point.

Kris may be packing his bags and heading home. His version of "All She Wants to Do is Dance" was nauseating. The judges tell the contestants each week to make the songs their own, but this was just bad.

Lil too is getting boring. She was Jackie's early favorite, but even she admits that Lil lost that spark. She's got the voice, but doesn't want to try anything that even remotely deviates from the original. I hope she steps it up, but I think the only tour she'll be on next year is the karaoke circuit.

Anoop did well this week. Sang Cindy Lauper's "True Colors" and did a really good job. Made it unique and showed he's got some talent. Not enough to win, but at least enough to last another round.

PLEASE! I BEG! PLEASE PUT SCOTT OUT OF HIS (AND OUR) MISERY! He does not belong in this competition one more minute. He picks songs noone cares about. I know a lot of songs, and the one he picked tonight, while I recognized it, I have no idea who sings it, nor do I care. And he abandoned the piano, his one strong-suit to awkwardly play the guitar, which judging by his performance, he learned to play 15 minutes before the show went live. Dare I even comment on his singing. Pure agony. He sucks. (On a side note, he sang a song tonight about "seeing" the love that was right in front of him with many references to "sight". Isn't it ironic.)

Allison was in the bottom three the last two weeks. WTF? I can't believe that America doesn't vote for her. Every round she is consistently great. Not just good but GREAT! She doesn't deserve to leave until maybe the last three left. I just don't get it. This is a singing contest, not a popularity contest.

Matt... ho hum. Sang Stevie Wonder and did the song justice. Spiced it up and put some soul into it. Not bad, but not good enough to last.

Adam. Adam. Adam. I know they were drastically over on time, but to see Simon stand up to give him a standing ovation was monumental (and well deserved.) I must reiterate that I never expected myself to like this seudo-emo-diva, but damn, he's good. He sang "Mad World" which is one of my very favorite songs. So dark and chilling every time I hear it. And Adam put everything he had into it. I thought his performance was incredible, as usual. FUCKING INCREDIBLE!!! No matter what, Adam continues to amaze me every week. Would I buy his CD? Absolutely not. (But you must also understand that I would probably never consider owning any American Idol CD.) However, he is my definite favorite for American Idol.

slyght said...

dammit juddy, i'm tellin' your dad on you! i hadn't gotten to DL this episode yet. blast.