Tuesday, March 28, 2006

J Ho's Bristol Scrapbook

The weekend down Bristol for NASCAR excitement had it's many memorable moments....

Here is a familiar site on Interstate 77:

Here is the gayest water tower in Tennessee:

I've heard that slogan before:

T and I arrived at the campsite [you've seen how close to the track we are(see prev. posts)] on Friday at 8 pm to 30F temp and cold rain and wind chill.... and mud:

On Saturday, we had a cold morning and spitting snow. So Chad, T, and I go out to the souvenir trailers to shop and to get "seat cushions" or aptly named:

While walking around the trailers, a heavier snow begins to fall:

Here is T and Chumpassfool posing in the winter wonderland:

Well, the race starts and a big snow storm rolls through. The perfect-packing snow started a big snow fight. Even the pit crew got involved:

Sunday proved a better day; just in time for the Nextel Cup race. Chad got to meet his favorite driver Dale Jr.:

I, then, ran into Jeff Gordon. I know how Russ hates Gordo and the Steelers so I get my photo with Jeff wearing a Steeler hat. Jeff was much obliged to cooperate (he's heard about Russ):

T searched and searched and he finally found his SoulMate. Tony seemed to want T's genetalia:

The next day was time to load up the Jeep and head back to cbus:

There are a lot of things I will never forget like:

The Neighbors (they happened to be from Buckeye Lake, Ohio, and they loved Everclear and a lot of other liquers):

I was the Skoal Racing Champion when I beat out 10 other competitors in NASCAR 06:

The food trailer by the campsite provided me with the continued life support I needed during the weekend. Bless you. Bless you:

And I can't forget:

I Can't forget. Please, make me forget.

Monday, March 27, 2006

the jesuit... in INDIA?!?!

WJU in indiaso, i open the paper today to do my morning sudoku ritual on the ride to work, and i see this article (click for a bigger image), and don't be distracted by my skillfully played sudoku game as.

must be a slow day in india news when the cardinals make it onto the back page of The Hindu newspaper in Rajahmundry, INDIA. GO CARD's. who's alma mater is WJU, again? redness and... wasko? anyways WJU found me around the globe, and i was happy to hear some Valley news.

hope you BTBz at the bristol race had a good time. maybe i'll be there next year or for the night race.


Thursday, March 23, 2006


Someone in Btown is an avid reader of thesmokinggun.com. This is the second mug I know of from Btown. Anyway, here's the link. One can only wonder what the dude was reading when he got busted...


Monday, March 20, 2006

BTB cheerleader and mascot?

any objections? i really just wanted to post this and had no other reason. i'm slightly aroused by a computer animation. what has this place done to me? and she matches the BTB color scheme...

gonna go down to the gentleman's club and get me some arm candy... or get smacked.

Saturday, March 18, 2006

the BTBI² sits down with some fans on st. patty's day

this is myself, emma, and janusz (pronounced yawn-osh) at the hotel bar, cheers, on st. patty's day. you can see our green beer courtesy of TheMom finding green powdered food coloring. before we went to the bar, i wanted to see if it had a scent, so i breathed in deeply. hahaha, i was sneezing green for like 15 minutes.

<ASIDE> this is very similar to the time i worked at a restaurant mopping after hours. i wondered why in the cartoons when they breathed pepper, they sneezed. you can see it now. i took a hefty whiff of some pepper and was sneezing my entire shift and then some.</ASIDE>

anyways, the green beer was a hit, emma tried some green whiskey. it did turn green, but the powder clumped up at the bottom for some reason. and TheMom, i had my guinness boxers on.

*unintelligible drunken blather* grpsa dmkfopw do lkvrpv a wayne!... pfsvo garth!

Friday, March 17, 2006

Blog This, Brew That

Homebrew Business Seeks New Name to Celebrate Grand Reopening

From Official Press Release

Big C's Haus of Homebrew is seeking a new name to commemorate their new dedication to providing innovative, exclusive brews on a consistent basis. Since landing a new job and relocating operation in 2004, production has slowed to a crawl. Now that management and personnel have been signed to long term contracts and a new online supplier relationship has been established, the future is bright. To generate excitement amongst their fan base, Big C's has announced a contest to come up with a new name for the homebrew's label. This new name would replace the famous Big C's name and logo on all new products, including apparel and bottle labels, and internal documents. Please cast your vote by posting a comment with your idea(s). Here are a couple of ideas contributed by our staff, followed by their sales pitch of why their idea is best...

1. Big C's Haus of Homebrew - The original name and logo rule. Don't change a thing. Or shorten it to "Big C's". Just put your name in there somewhere because you rule.

2. B-Town Brewing Company - We're from Bellaire and brew and we're a company (well, like a company but different. you don't make any money).

3. Yankee Moonshiner. It's like you could drive the General Lee. I'm too drunk to come up with any reasons. I think it sounds kind of cool.

4. Come up with something new. Run a contest or something. Just use "Unfiltered and Uncensored" as your tag line. When you drink your unfiltered (and unfiltered beer is all the rage today) beer, everything you say is uncensored, and usually offensive. Maybe make it "Unfiltered, Uncensored, and Usually Offensive" but that is kind of long and hard to fit on labels and apparel.

After careful thought, we really like the tag line, but also agree that a naming contest would help spur sales, or at least excitement, or maybe anything other than total apathy towards the brand. So, we're reaching out to you, the drinker, to come up with the next great name that will be synonymous with the next great line of great beers.

With any legitimate contest comes a prize for the winner. That's right, we'll reward you for your creativity. The winner will receive a free t-shirt or long sleeve t-shirt (your choice) complete with the winning brand name, logo, and tag line. In the case the winning name is one provided by our staff, we will award the shirt (APV $25) in a random drawing of all those who contributed a suggestion. Odds of winning the random drawing depend on who we want to win. Just kidding. Maybe we're not kidding. Who knows. Contest void everywhere except for the B-Town Boys and their significant others and some of their immediate family.

So, what do you have to lose? Only your sobriety. The deadline for submitting entries is March 31st. Thank you for supporting your local or not local drunk and brewery.

Thursday, March 16, 2006

nope, that's not a disability

did ya hear the one about Miss Deaf Texas? walking on railroad tracks shouldn't be on the approved-hobbies list for deaf people.

and here's a name for the ages.

post-prandial dip: a sauce of sorts eaten on a variety of foods that induces drowsiness *ZZZZzzzz*

Tuesday, March 14, 2006


Everybody has a blog site now......

Monday, March 13, 2006

It's Awesome Baby!!!!!!!

It is March Madness time again!!!!!! The only way to enjoy it is to fill out a bracket. Since Z is in India (I don't think India has a large NCAA Tourney following) this is the only way we can all compete in a bracket. So here is the link to join the group.

Sunday, March 12, 2006

So that's why when i puke i think of italian restaurants

This is a sensory challenge test. Sometimes you have to tell your brain to quit thinking what it is thinking.

brown people like the BTBI²

come one, come all, join the *NEW* BTBI² Fan Club. people are sleeping in cots on the street, bathing in the river, and lining up around the most structurally stable hut in the village just to get autographs and shake hands with india's newest pop star, BTBI².

BTBI² has built a tremendous grassroots following in the past year in front-porch folk clubs spattered throughout india's barren countryside. inspired by artists like the artist formerly known as the artist formerly known as prince formerly known as prince, ani difranco, buddha, the gregorian monks of st. bambi the hussy, mating sperm whales in the north atlantic, gary coleman, uncle jesse from "full house" and many more. BTBI² deftly crafts songs about the hardships of being a shy yet humorous fat man in a world dominated by captains-of-the-camel-jockey team with taut bodies glistening in the sunlight, muscles rippling, chest heaving... so much depth and yet SO MUCH POP!!!

so, come on down and meet fellow fans to bond over such chart-topping hits as:

  • i can play C and G without looking
  • i can play the opening notes to Metallica "One"
  • the first few notes of Nirvana "Come As You Are" with minimal wrong strings

  • and everyone's favorite hit

  • practicing the hammer technique on David Bowie's "The Man Who Sold The World"

you, YES YOU!, can join the BTBI² Fan Club by sending $30 (Rs. 1300) to BTBI²'s paypal account here. and if you act now, BTBI² will send you an exclusive autographed sneak-peak photo from his latest video, "me and my pluckin' thumb (feat. the BTBz and Genny from da 616)".


small print, small print, small print, small print, small print, small print, small print, BTBI² has a huge wang no matter what his ex's might say, small print, small print, small print, small print, fukk off, small print, small print, small print, bewbiez, small print, small print, small print, private limited, small print, small print, small print, you are all my minions, small print, small print, small print, delidinger, small print, small print, small print, tourettes for everyone, small print, small print, small print.

Friday, March 10, 2006

random things from the BTB in India (BTBI²)

  • i cut two legs off a daddy-long legs today, i felt bad at his floundering, so i gassed it with the indian version of raid. i might be bored. or a serial killer. or a nazi... nah, bored.

  • i think the term 'scapegoat' comes from the bible. for some sins you have to bring two goats to the slaughterhouse/place of penance... one to be sacrificed and one be released carrying your sins into the wild.

  • my 38" waist pants are way loose, i think i might be in 36's or POSSIBLY 34's. WHOA!

  • my fingertips are sore and getting numb from my guitar. my teacher tells me that is good.

  • my tummy-tum hurts

  • i read in the bible this morning that god forbids us from having tattoos. man, that god guy is a laugh-riot.

  • ♂ + ♀ - jimmy hat = babies

  • 5 352e ASC55. <--- that is 'i like ASCII' on an IBM T41 laptop with the 'Num Lock' on.

  • i've been on anti-biotics (for malaria) for about 7 months now. that CAN'T be good. i'll stop them when i'm done and die from a sniffle --- YEA SMALLPOX!

EDIT: rockabilly was old hat, but the fans still loved him.

Monday, March 06, 2006

I'm bored so here's some more stuff for you to read...

There has been some tough intelligence tests floating around the btown boyz so i decided to get into the ring and take my own test. here is a link to a sample page of the 'wonderlic test' - a test administered to collegiate athletes who compete in the NFL combines to determine the intelligence of players. It is 12 minutes and fifty questions to complete. I believe Texas Longhorn QB Vince Young got a 6 out of 50 on the test. I got every one of the sample questions right. i am sure the btown boyz (and girlz) will get them all right, also....

And Now....

Just for the hell of it, a post-Oscars mini-ramblings:

I always thought John Travolta had the creepiest hair in Hollywood ... and then Tom Hanks came along.

Seriously, Heath Ledger looks like he's about three more Brokeback Mountain jokes away from punching someone out.

Twelve months ago, if I were picking washed-up 80's actors to get nominated for a 2006 Best Supporting Actor, my list would have looked like this: 1.) Rob Lowe; 2.) Eddie Murphy; 3.) Matt Dillon; 4.) Patrick Swayze; 5.) Lou Diamond Phillips; 6) the little brother from "Just One of the Guys."

Was anyone else incredulous that Don Knotts got left out of the People Who Died This Year Montage? I'm not even sure if "incredulous" is a strong enough word. I might even have to go with "outraged." Chris Penn and Vincent Schiavelli make it and Don Knotts gets shafted?

(And while we're on the subject, shouldn't the People Who Died This Year Montage be turned into its own end-of-the-year TV show? They could do sports, music, movies, politics ... like you wouldn't watch this? It's the only can't-miss segment of any awards show.

Put it this way: A Dolly Parton-Michael Jackson duet would shatter my HDTV tuner.

Raise your hand if you thought Reese Witherspoon was going to forget to thank Ryan Phillippe.

(Raising hand.)

That reminds me, Phillippe looks like he's in line to be the next victim of the Fisher Stevens Corollary: Any time two struggling entertainers get married, and the female's career ends up taking off, it's only a matter of time before the relationship falls apart because no wanna-be star ever wants to be "The Guy Who's Famous Mainly For Being Married To His Wife." I'd list some other examples but there are too many to count -- Chad Lowe was the latest. Never fails. Dennis Quaid was the only one who managed to hold on for more than five or six years.

But seriously, Jon Stewart did a solid hosting job, got off one great joke in the monologue (the Bjork/Cheney joke), nailed the 3 6 Mafia aftermath, did a pretty good job with the fake attack ads ... and I would be amazed if he's ever asked back.

Whenever Jennifer Aniston walks out on stage during an awards show, the director should cut to stock footage of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie laughing it up in the audience. You know, just to mess with us.

Part of me still thinks Jack Nicholson saw "Brokeback Mountain" on the winner card, took a deep breath, said to himself, "Screw it, I hated that movie," called an audible and said, "And the Oscar goes to ... Crash!"

By the way, is Nicholson ever NOT the coolest guy in the room? Even when he's coming back from the bathroom at Lakers games, the whole place pretty much stops until he goes back to his seat. If you judge somebody's popularity by the number of people who would yelp, "Oh no!" if they found out Celebrity X died, I think Nicholson wins. He gets the most "Oh no!" yelps. I'm convinced. This is a whole other column.

Hey, did anyone else keep waiting for Philip Seymour Hoffman to accept his Oscar, ask Hilary Swank if he could kiss her on the mouth, then punch himself in the head and keep saying "I'm a (bleeping) idiot!" over and over again?

Biggest shockers of the night: 1.) Jennifer Garner unveiling her post-baby breasts and immediately tripping on stage (a quick 1-2 punch, or in this case, a 1-2-3 punch); 2.) Crash winning for "Best Picture"; 3) Ang Lee having a wife and kids.

My vote for next year's host: Keanu Reeves.

(Think about it: Who would make you laugh more over the course of a 210-minute Oscars telecast, Jon Stewart or Keanu Reeves? See, I'm onto something here.)

Finally, I'm glad that Felecity Huffman didn't win "Best Actress." Enough is enough with the "actresses going ugly to win an Oscar" trend. Whatever happened to the "actresses pushing the envelope with raw sex scenes" that Halle Berry tried to start? Can we get that one going again? Please?

Sunday, March 05, 2006

Calling All Race Fans

If anyone is interested, my dad has a couple of extra tickets to the Bristol race at the end of this month. He can get two sets (four tix in all), approximately $120-130 a set. That's face value for one Busch and one Cup ticket. Lodging will be track-side camping with Willy Cooper. Dad and I will NOT be taking the camper, but we will be sleeping in the Chevy van, parked near Willy's camper. If anyone wants to go, I'm sure you can stay with us, or at least park near us (near Willy). Willy is always open for extra guests and is willing to make room for others. If nothing else, there will be a clean, dry place to perform the 3 S's. (Sh*t, Shower, and Shave). Let me know if anyone is interested. I have to let Russ know as soon as possible.

Blast From the Past

Back by popular demand, its...

It's the website that started it all, featuring every one of the B-Town Boyz from back-in-the-day (circa 1999). Enjoy.

Friday, March 03, 2006

News Clipping of the Day

This is the best news clipping from a newspaper i've seen in a while.....

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Speaking of PORN....

There is a movie called "The Da Vinci Code" starring Tom Hanks coming out this year.... and on the same day a porn movie is coming out called "The Da Vinci Load". I Can't Wait To See It!!!!!!!!

and to tide you over...

i'm not ashamed of my porn. my watching it, my purchasing it, my making it (keep that quiet)... i'm not to the point of wanking to the bra section of the sears catalog and all, but i can appreciate a good before-and-after breast augmentation site. for those of you BTBz who are afraid that might be depraved, i submit this as something to tide you over while you wait for Pirates to make it's rounds. any B-Town Girlz interested in one of these?

ah dammit, i just rubbed tabasco sauce in my eye. must irrigate and huddle in the corner crying.

officer, i SWEAR to the Prince-of-Darkness-Who-Will-Come-To-Initiate-The-Earth-In-Eternal-Flames that i couldn't've been doing more than 60MPH

Wednesday, March 01, 2006


Two days ago (Monday), I posted about this cool, new adult film I heard about called Pirates. (Please review the post if you haven't already read it) Since Z is the Porn King and I know he doesn't mind spending $$$$$ on porn, I requested a copy be sent to me so that I could study and review this film. In reality, I was only about 25% serious. I didn't actually think that Z would actually send me a copy. Not only was I wrong about that, but I received the movie within 40 hours of publishing the post!!!!

Z, I don't know where you order your porn from, but DAMN, it's lightning fast! That can seriously compete with Pay-per-view as the fastest porn delivery protocol. Whewww! Anyway, thank you very much for sending me porn. I haven't watched it yet, but I will post a full review as soon as I can (or at least a series of smaller, sequential reviews in 5 - 10 minute increments). Also, I am now accepting reservations for whichever BTB wants to review it next.

Once again, Z, thanks for the porn!

Blogs - Email the whole world can read

Since this blog thing won't die, I've decided to post something. I want to see if there's any interest in renting a beach house this summer. Depending on participation, it would be around $300-$400 a couple for the week. You can't beat that with a stick, nor with a twig. I'll have to do more searching if we decide to ditch the women and make it a sausage fest. Let me know... soon.

If there's no interest, I am considering flying to Cbus over Memorial Day weekend. Tentative plans would be getting there around 5:00 Friday and leaving Monday afternoon or early Tuesday.

I'd also like to announce that I will be retiring from the sport of competitive binge drinking after Memorial Day 2006. As you know, I try to drink a case of beer during the Indy 500 and the Coke 600. Having fallen short each time I've tried with Budweiser, this year I will regress to Miller High Life Light. If that doesn't work, I will leave the sport before I embarrass it further.